A Child's View To The Heart

Today is my son Scott’s 29th birthday. That is indescribably difficult for me to fathom! He’s off on a great adventure rock climbing in Alabama. I know, who would have thought Alabama for rock climbing? But it is actually called bouldering, which basically means climbing giant boulders as if they were trees – bare handed scaling of rocks as big as houses… He went camping with an outdoor group from University of New Hampshire to a place called Horse Pens… there are videos on YouTube if you’re interested is seeing what he’s doing.

I miss him a lot, especially today, but I am so very happy to see how he’s taking opportunities to do things that excite and refresh him. He is an adventurous spirit and that’s helped him become and stay healthy. To tell the truth, I think he’s feeling a little anxious about turning 30 and wants to do as much as he can before he “gets old and weak” – ah! I remember when 30 seemed old! It feels like it was sometime last week!

So since he’s not here to celebrate, I decided I’d make up my own celebration by telling you a story. It is perhaps the most important story of my life. The best gift ever. Apparently, it’s a two way gift given between my son and me…

Scott and his housemate Gabe came for dinner the night before they left for their trip. Scott started talking about being raised by a single mother and that people have ask him if it was hard. I’ll tell it in his words, because I was so captivated I remember it word for word…

“I have a clear image in my mind of being about 7 or 8 years old in the warm room at the Boy’s Club before a hockey game. I looked around and saw all these fathers lacing up their kid’s skates. In hockey it’s important to have your laces nice and tight. Then I looked at my little Mom in front of me using all her might to lace up my skates.”

Gabe said, “That’s so sad. Did you feel bad?”

“No, I didn’t feel sad at all. I didn’t know anything different. I just felt grateful. I always knew my skates would be just as tight as everyone else’s. That sums up how I feel about my Mom as a single mother.”…

Well, tears were flowing then as they are now. To think that an eight year old could have such insight and clarity, and then choose to tell me the story 21 years later was… amazing, deeply moving, and enlightening…

It made me realize that for all of the regrets, wishes, wants, sorrows, and guilt I have been carrying around for how things could have or should have been different during his childhood, if that is his image of me… then I’m good and can lay all those things to rest knowing that he is a healthy, loving, and inspired man. I am so proud of who he is and I learn so much from him every day. I am so blessed.

In just the week since he told me this, I have found two occasions to share it with friends who are struggling with how certain difficult issues in their lives are going to affect their children. Scott made me realize that whether our lives and homes are structured with all the accoutrements and circumstances that we think are necessary and “normal”, what our children see and learn most from is who we are beneath the surface. Our deep love for them and our honesty in expressing who we are because of them is what matters above all. The masks, armor, and disguises we might use to protect them or ourselves are invisible to our children. They have a clear and unobstructed view of our hearts.