Peace. Right. Now.

I returned from a trip to Burkina Faso in West Africa and Paris one week ago.  Just to be writing that sentence seems like both a miracle and a surreal interpretation of an old morning pages entry.  And, although it is true and I am changed for having the experience in ways I hope to share soon, I am also accutely aware of how time and place can alter the context of any experience.  I believe my intentions and prayers manifested the adventure in ways I couldn't have expected or specifically asked for.  It's as if my heart, my spirit was craving something that my mind couldn't quite identify and suddenly this opportunity arose and without hesitation I knew it was meant to be.  From the first moment, I had a sense of my own truth which I have never known before.  Each moment - the exciting, the scary, the hard work, the new, the uncertainty - all of it felt as if I was where I was supposed to be doing what I was supposed to do.  Though it wasn't without its challenges and self-doubts, it was an overwhelming validation of who I am.  The entire experience can be summed up on one beautiful, powerful, resounding word:  YES! 

I arrived home full of clarity and purpose and hope that this was only the beginning of a grander manifestation of my vision.  I could see it, feel it, taste it, hear it, and smell it.  Then within 24 hours, I could see it blurring, feel it melting, taste it souring, hear it fading, and smell it smoldering.  With my every thought, prayer, word, and affirmation I held on tight, repainting the images, massaging the feelings, and hugging the thoughts that were my ecstasy only hours before.  But now, the ecstacy was turning to despair.  Was it the unmet expectations of others' responses?  Or the details of everyday life?  The responsibilities awaiting?  The re-entry to work?  Jet Lag? 

One week later, I realize it is a combination of all of those and that I have been unsuccessful in holding on.  It's not that I've let go, it's that I haven't been strong enough to keep it from being pulled from me.  I often scold myself for allowing myself to react to my ego, to negativity, to desires and fears...  My teachers have all shown me that this is not the way.  But I am weak and unable to find that place in myself that allows me to accept what is and be at peace with whatever that may be.  I want and need to get back to that place.  To seek and find the Divine within me - I know it is there, yet I am victim to my own ego's need for love, validation, and acceptance.

There are lessons in this.  Lessons I've been given many chances to learn, yet the pattern continues.  I must find peace without need for making things right.  I've spent my life trying to make things right.  Stop trying.  Everything is right.  Right now.